chelsieautumn:

Aw, well thank you! It does mean a lot. But, I do want you to know…..I am by no means perfect. You see a Chelsie that is in the realm of blogging, where I post nice pictures and write nice things and share my successes and joys. I do believe in posting positivity and happy things, yes. And I feel that, I have made some life choices that have really helped my life be wonderful and Jesus has had so much grace for me…..but that does not  mean there is not another side as well. I just choose to dwell on happy, but sad does always exist, as we live in a broken world.

Because I have gotten so many asks like this, I will post a small confession of what I am struggling with lately, because I think too many people have a misconception that my life, although so awesome, is perfect.

There are hard things in my life that really actually suck. In this season of my life, I am battling insecurity to a tremendous degree. I have always been so confident and so sure of my ministry and gifts….. but Satan is using so many past things to make me feel worthless. That causes a lot of heartache and lot of tears with Ryan that happen pretty daily, gracious and kind and beautiful as he is. I constantly feel that I don’t measure up to what he deserves and am so mad that the confident woman I was is so hard to find right now.

I am really going through a rough season with Jesus and feeling like he abandoned me in times I needed him. My Bible knowledge tells me he is faithful, but my heart is rebelling and is angry and doesn’t know what I am supposed to do next. I am too busy with everything and am having panic attacks at night because I constantly feel like I am forgetting something. I feel like I don’t have many friends, because I don’t know how to not be overly task-oriented. I am terrified that I hurt people and I have no idea why, and it is making me want to go to every person I ever knew and apologize for my awfulness and promise to go away forever to make life easier. And then I just gasp at how self-centered I am that I would really think that about myself and not believe that I am just who Jesus said I was.

I must choose to tell myself I am beautiful everyday also. Because, though I am certainly blessed to be a relatively good looking person, the pictures of me you see do not pick up my acne scars, the chip in my tooth, the skinniness that everyone seems to point out to me, the deep lines around my mouth, and the breakage of my hair. I don’t think I am ugly, but it is a fact I must daily remind myself, just as I am sure you have to as well. You judge your worst by my best, and that is not being fair to yourself, friend.

So yes, my life IS beautiful. It’s beautiful in the pain and in the heartache and in the love and in the little things. But, friend, it is not perfect. It’s still hard. I still go to bed at night sometimes wondering, “what am I even doing?” But, the most reassuring thing to me is this, while I am still in sin, God promises beauty. Even in the midst of doubting myself and the tears and the sadness, I can find beauty in so many things. Ryan is taking me to see the new Catching Fire movie tonight and we’re gonna stay up late and drink coffee and be all silly = beauty. Tomorrow, he has the morning off so we’re going to go on a walk downtown and eat homemade donuts and read our Bibles = beauty. Maybe tomorrow, I’ll cry a little and he’ll comfort me and in the end, Jesus’ love will make it all alright = beauty. Tonight, when I have my make up off and I crawl into bed and feel all pimply and ugly and frizzy haired, Ryan will tell me that I am the most beautiful lady in the world. = beauty. In a few weeks, I might see a good friend who will come home from college and we’ll talk and laugh and catch up and it’ll be wonderful = beauty. Thanksgiving is next week and I can’t wait to see my family = beauty. Ryan bought me a pretty sweater this week and I love the way it makes me look = beauty. Jesus is teaching me some very important lessons right now that I know I can’t skip = beauty.

Life is never perfect, mine included. I don’t write the above to complain or to get your pity, but to show you that there is a reality of how hard life is even for me too. Don’t judge your worst by my best, because that would never be fair to who you are. You and me, we’re in this crazy, hard, wonderful journey together. But the cool thing about Jesus, is that even in the worst, he is creating the most awe inspiring best just for us. We just need to learn to look for it.